Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She needs sedatives and a leash
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
