and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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