He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
