i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
