Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i love accidental penises.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
