i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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