Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
