a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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