Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
