boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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