Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
