omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
