She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize