I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
