The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
