life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
