she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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