i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
