Can Purell be used as lube?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
