dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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