I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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