Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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