In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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