you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
