Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
