two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
