Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I am one with the molecules
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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