Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
