I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
