Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
