it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
