I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
