my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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