I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
