we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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