So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
