My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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