i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
