i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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