2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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