Who did Billy Mays play for?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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