I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
