I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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