You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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