I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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