I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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