Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize