do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
