i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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