dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
