I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He passed out mid-signature
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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