I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
