WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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