I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
