Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
