I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
