We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
