I heard we made out
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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