My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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