I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
