I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Is Oprah even human
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
