her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
