you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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