He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
