Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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