so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
