Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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